IT'S A MAN THING (or are men really from Mars???...)

Marsali McDonald PhD
Senior Clinical Counsellor
CARE Fertility
Nottingham, UK


''He doesn't talk to me!''

''I never know what he's feeling!''

''I just don't understand him!''

''Men! Can't live with them-can't live without them!''

It's well known that infertility and the stress of treatment can drive couples apart. Communication can break down, couple end up feeling unheard and misunderstood by their partner-and resentments can build up. They stop talking to each other and start bickering and in some cases seperating.

So what goes wrong? I suppose the nub of it is that men and women tend to deal differently with stress and emotional pain. Research into how men and women express feelings of grief clearly shows that they do that in very different ways. One is not better than the other: they are just different and once we recognise that it's easier to understand what is going on for the other person.

The loss of fertility, failed treatments, ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages and infant death are all pretty profound events that result in feelings of grief for both men and women. They just don't necessarily show it in the same way.

Generally speaking men have a problem solving approach to life. Got a problem? Find a solution. If there is no solution to the problem do not waste time worrying about it. Put your energy into something constructive, like going back to work or building a garage. Women on the other hand, tend to deal with problems by talking about them. It does not matter that talking about them is not going to solve them. The act of talking it through is helpful in itself. Men need to do. Women need to talk.

Ther is no solution to a failed treatment. She can't understand how, an hour after hearing that treatment has failed, he is out digging the foundations for a new patio. She interprets that as him not caring. She wants to talk about it. He knows that talking about it will not change the situation and he feels inadequate and frustrated. There is nothing he can do to solve the problem. So he goes out and digs deeper foundation. She doesn't want him him to find a solution. She just want him to sit and talk to her to share his feelings. When he dissapears out into the garden again she thinks it is because he doesn't really care. And so the merry dance goes on.

And the whole nature of fertility treatment can make it worse. Men the 'doers' have so little to do here. Once he has produced his sample he can feel redundant. It is the women who takes the drugs, has the blood tests, scans and nurtures the embryos. What can a bloke do other than sit around feeling like a bit of a spare part!If it is his 'problem' that can intensify his feelings of powerlessness. If he has a low sperm count or no sperm, if donor sperm is used, he has even less to do. He can feel humilated as well as redundant. Being infertile can dent the confidence of the most self assured of us. It hacks at the roots of our self esteem and sense of who we are. Fertility can still be confused with virility in some people's minds. So infertile men can feel acute shame, guilt and inadequacy. If it wasn't for him, his partner wouldn't have to go through the wretched treatment.

And all this to the fact that men generally do not talk about how they are feeling-and women need to talk about it-and you have a powerful cocktail of potential misunderstandings.

So the next time he goes into the garden shed to hammer nails into something, it's not that he doesn't care. It is just a man thing. And the next time she asks you to sit down and talk about it, she is not expecting you to magic up a solution. It is just a woman thing

Perhaps there is room for both these ways of dealing with our feelings and we can meet somewhere in the middle. And VIVE LA DIFFERENCE!!!!!