I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP CRYING

Marsali MacDonald PhD
Senior Clinical Counsellor
CARE Fertility
Nottingham, UK


COPING WITH A FAILED TREATMENT

Grief is our natural response to losing something precious. What then could be a more normal reaction to the devastating news that you are not having a baby than to cry as though you will never stop? Crying is a perfectly healthy expression of grief and is the most healing way to relieve the pain of loss.

Yet, when people talk about ''not being able to stop crying'' it is as though that is somehow weak and shameful-something that must be stopped. People often say that they hold back the tears because, if once they started, they would cry forever; OR if they let go of the desperate feelings inside they would 'blow apart' OR 'go mad'. Very scary feelings-but no one ever went mad from crying.

It is part of our 'stiff upper lip' tradition. I suppose, that makes us think that any expression of emotion is not acceptable. Strictly for wimps! We grow up being told that 'big boys dont cry'-and neither really, do 'big girls', so we learn early on to hide our most natural feelings. And when bad things happen to us the pain builds up inside until it feels intolerable-while we go about our daily business pretending that we are fine.

Probably one of the worst things about a failed treatment is that few people have any idea of the pain involved. Family and friends, if they know at all, seldom have any real appreaciation of the enormity of your loss. In some ways a failed treatment can be worse than a more obvious loss-one that is acknowledged by society-because its significance goes unrecognised and you are left to cope with that gut wrenching empitiness on your own.

Perhaps it is because the loss is not recognised for what it is that so many couples feel that they should not be feeling as bad as they do; that they should 'get a grip' and get on with life as though nothing has happened. And their pain is compounded by the feeling that they should not really be so distressed. But without doubt, a failed treatment is an enermous loss. It is not just the loss of those embryos, real and life, with all their potential for beautiful childhood-it is the confirmation of the loss of fertility-and for the future without children. That is more loss than many people have to cope with in a lifetime.

But your feelings are real; your grief is valid. Do not minimise your loss and marginalize your feelings. Let yourselves grieve for those children who will never be: for those loss embryos, for the loss of your hopes. By letting yourselves grive you are acknowledging how important those embryos were-in themselves as potential children-and to you as their potential parents. Their existence, however brief, was priceless-and what more appropriate response to their loss than to cry as though you will never stop?

Crying would not change what has happened; the scar will always be there. But grieving, however long it takes, will heal the wound and, in time , the pain will abate.